The age-old query: Who are you?
It's probably the most perplexing question to answer. I've been characterized in many ways by friends and family, embracing various personas to fit society's expectations because that's how I thought I would be accepted in this world. I've absorbed both praise and criticism, allowing those opinions to shape my self-image.
I've been called an empath, intuitive, a projector in Human Design, an Aries sun and Pisces rising, a Master Number 11 in Numerology, a twin flame. I've been told I am adventurous, courageous, curious, smart, kindhearted, funny, weird, present, lost, open, closed-off, driven, lazy, reliable, warm, inviting, cold-hearted, outgoing, shy, confident, insecure, sensitive, fun, cool, loser, loving, selfish person. Professionally, I've been named producer, manager, coordinator, talent, model, actress, team leader. I've been described as athletic, tall, skinny, fat, ugly, pretty, and so much more. I'm sure for those of you who have met me you have a word that you would use to describe me as well.
But these are all just words. Roles I've tried to embody or reject, sometimes struggling to maintain them. I leaned far into some of them and, looking back, have portrayed myself as something that I struggled to resonate with. My social media paints an idealized version of me – the happy, adventurous girl who only speaks when spoken to and doesn't make waves. Yet it conceals the intelligent, playful, outspoken, powerful and curious woman within.
Beyond these labels lies the question: Who am I, really?
I am not my body.
I am not the activities I enjoy.
I am not my mind.
I am not my perceived limitations.
I am not my accomplishments.
This quest for an answer started two years ago in 2022, after the catalyst for my healing journey, and I started my inner work. Honestly, I didn't believe I needed healing; I thought I was fine. I didn't think I had any trauma or inner work to be done because nothing 'exceptionally bad' had happened to me. But reflecting on my past now, I see the signs my body and mind was giving me hinting at my abandonment wounds, fear of rejection, low self-worth, lack of self-respect, and built up wounding. I projected fake confidence on the outside but battled insecurity and jealousy within. I stayed in bad relationships because I was grasping for love outside of me. I stayed stuck in phases of my life for years because I was afraid - afraid of never finding love again, of never having better or deserving better. I consistently disrespected and dishonoured myself by doing things I didn't want to do but felt forced to do for the happiness of others. I put myself through misery in companies that treated me poorly. I stayed stuck in friendships because I didn't want to voice issues and seem over dramatic. I stayed stuck in unhappiness because I had conceded to my situations and thought I wasn't good enough for better. I suppressed emotions when something hurt me, I engaged consistently in negative self-talk, I failed to set any boundaries – all echoes of past traumas. I just didn't know how to acknowledge the signs or understand what to do with them. I didn't know that holding back tears, my body tensing up, my throat closing, lashing out in anger, hating myself, and going silent in conversations were all indicators of pain stuck inside of me.
In the fall of 2021, oblivious to spirituality or healing, I encountered my Twin Flame, catapulting me into an intense healing journey. Meeting your twin flame is a beautiful love story, but it's also a crash course in self-discovery, healing, and unconditional love for yourself and others. And I know that all sounds so golden and lovely. But it's not. Healing is not glamorous. It is not the 'self care' social media posts of going to the spa and happily journalling in a coffee shop. It is intense, it is raw, and it is vulnerable. The last few years have been the most eye opening and the most painful years of my life.
The twin flame journey only made my healing journey an even more intense experience - all I can say is a 'crash course on healing and spirituality' is no joke. There was a point that I did not think that I would survive the pain; I didn't want to survive the pain. I just wanted out.
For me, it was overwhelming; all my past traumas surfaced at once, leaving me confused and in a pit of self-loathing. My twin's mirror effect exacerbated my inner turmoil, there was no pushing my feelings away again, it was all there, raw and ready for me to finally face. I spiralled into darkness. My twin flame, my own soul energy, ran from me. I felt abandoned, unwanted, not even good enough for my own soul, pushing me deeper into despair. I had work to do.
Yet, I was lost when it came to healing. I had to piece things together on my own. What is healing? What is shadow work? What is the dark night of the soul? What is wounding? What is trauma? What is the inner child? What is the nervous system? What are attachment styles? What is self-love? What is consciousness? What is presence? What is meditation? What is the soul? What are soul contracts? What is the akashic records? What is awakening? What are twin flames? And how do I work through all of it? It was an overload. But everything I went though, and everything I learned brought me here. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe everything is planned out and everything happens for our growth. What I went through has all led me to this– it all happened for a reason.
Not all healing journeys are alike. Most are gradual. Will you cry? Absolutely. Will you get angry? Possibly. Will you feel stuck at the bottom of the well? It could happen. But if you don't allow yourself the space to go through it you will carry your pain forever. It will be manifesting in your actions, reactions, decisions, and movements. Going through pain for a short period of time is better than your whole lifetime with it.
Fast forward to now, after countless tears, deep introspection, feeling everything, hours of journalling, meditating, and inner child work, the transformation I've seen in myself - in the peace & quiet in my mind, in my actions and reactions, in my presence and awareness, in my love for myself, in my respect for myself, in my happiness, in knowing my authentic self - my soul, is mind blowing. I have observed an incredible amount of changes.
I no longer run out of fear based emotions and a fear based mind set. I now speak my truth without fear - no more yelling, no more going quiet. I understand why something has hurt me or triggered me, I can have conversations and confront it, and I can work through it. I finally respect myself enough not to cling to others for love and attention. I'm so internally confident in myself that if a relationship doesn't feel right, I don't force it, I have the confidence to walk away and choose me. I am so highly present that my mind can no longer spiral and control me. Peace and quiet brings me happiness instead of anxiety. I've found contentment in solitude, providing myself the love I always sought externally. I've found my voice, I have a voice. And I'm finally not scared to be who I am at soul level - my authentic self.
This part of the healing journey is beautiful. It comes with a refresh on life. A retake on happiness, peace, and love.
So, who am I?
I am a beautiful soul experiencing this life on earth. I am someone who understands the pain in this world. Who understands how we have gotten trapped in wounding from out past. I am someone who has awakened to who I am and my abilities to help people heal. I am a small part of the universe. I am so many things. I just am. And I am here to help you heal, shed the heavy emotional burdens you have been carrying, and come back to your true soul essence.